The Real Reason...

Giving space to each other is vital and love cannot flourish without it. When you have removed the two factors of destructive relationships: when the pain-body has been transmuted and you are no longer identified with mind and mental positions, and if your partner has done the same, you will experience the bliss flowering of a relationship. Instead of mirroring to each other your pain and your unconsciousness, instead of satisfying your mutual addictive ego needs, you will reflect back to each other the love that you feel deep within, the love that comes with the realization of your oneness with all that is. This is the love that has no opposite.

If your partner is still identified with the mind and the pain-body while you are already free, this will represent a major challenge, not to you but to your partner. It is not easy to live with an enlightened person; or rather it is easy that the ego finds it extremely threatening. Remember that the ego needs problems, conflict, and “enemies” to strengthen the sense of seperateness on which its identity depends. The unenlightened partner’s mind will be deeply frustrated because its fixed positions are not resisted, which means they will become shaky and weak, and there is even danger that they may collapse altogether, resulting in loss of self. The pain-body is demanding feedback and not getting it. The need for argument, drama, and conflict are not being met. Bet beware: some people who are unresponsive, withdrawn, insensitive or cut off from their feelings may think and try to convince others that they are enlightened or at least that there is “nothing wrong” with them and everything wrong with their partner.

If there isn’t an emanation of love and joy, complete presence and openness towards all beings, then that is not enlightenment. If your enlightenment is egoic self-delusion, then life will soon give you a challenge that will bring out your unconsciousness in whatever form- as fear, anger, defensiveness, judgement, depression, and so on.
When your partner behaves unconsciously, relinquish all judgment. Judgment is either to confuse someone’s unconscious behavior with who they are to project your own unconsciousness onto another person and mistake that for who they are.
To relinquish judgment does not mean that you do not recognize dysfunction and unconsciousness when you see it. It means “being the knowing” rather than “being the reaction” and the judge. You will then either be totally free of reaction or you may react and still be the knowing, the space in which the reaction is watched and allowed to be. Instead of fighting the darkness, you bring in the light. Instead of reacting to delusion, you see the delusion yet at the same time look through it. Being the knowing creates a clear space of loving presence that allows all things and all people to be as they are.

No greater catalyst for transformation exists. If you practice this, your partner cannot stay with you and remain unconscious.

If you both agree that the relationship will be your spiritual practice, so much the better. You can then express your thoughts and feelings to each other as soon as they occur, or as soon as a reaction comes up, so that you do not create a time gap in which an unexpressed or unacknowledged emotion or grievance can fester and grow. Learn to give expression to what you feel without blaming. Learn to listen to your partner in an open, non-defensive way.

Give your partner space for expressing himself or herself. Be present. If you observe unconscious behavior from your partner, hold it in the loving embrace of your knowing so that you won’t react. Unconsciousness and knowing cannot coexist for long. Love cannot flourish until you are permanently free of mind identification and your presence is intense enough to have dissolved the pain-body-or you can at least remain present as the watcher. The pain-body cannot then take you over and so become destructive of love.

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